So the last few blurghs I’ve posted have been all about memememe. Because there’s nothing I love more than to talk about (Miss Piggy voice required for this part) moi. I’ve never met anyone who fascinates me more than me and I’m pretty sure you all feel the same way too.
But, to appease the empathizers, I will blurgh about not me. I will instead write about something that has been troubling me which is this list that’s been floating around the interweb of the top ten fashion trends that men hate to see on women.
I know, I know, there are those girls who perpetuate bad fashion trends and far be it for me to criticize the men who identified the least man-friendly of these trends. Now I think that we should have a chance to respond. More importantly, I think that I should have a chance to respond (memememememe). But I’m not going to write some broad and generalized list because that would make me (mememememememe) happy.
To illustrate the sort of specificity and detail that makes me happy, I have put together my own list of bad fashion trends seen in my neighborhood and amongst my acquaintance.
5 things that hipster boys do that might be ‘cool’ but aren’t ‘attractive’
5) Grow mustaches- If a woman says ‘you’re mustache is sexy’ she means to say ‘it is sexy that you have the confidence to walk around looking like an extra from a Merchant Ivory film who hasn’t changed into his costume yet.’ She doesn’t mean ‘you’re mustache is sexy.’ And if you end up going on several dates with a woman who has said this to you, she will try to gently steer you towards expressing you confidence in other, less food-retaining and prickly-on-her-face ways. The same thing goes for huge beards and long hair.
4) Let bangs grow into eyes or comb bangs so they angle over head and into eyes- Bieber. You know what that means right? Unless you’re idea of a good time is being gooey-eyed by 12-year-old girls, there’s just no excuse anymore.
See what I mean? And I guess, according to the theory of Bieber rendering all trends that he touches unattractive to women over the age of 16, this means that oversized, non-prescription eyeglasses also might be ‘cool’ but aren’t ‘attractive.’
Swap out Bieber for Mraz and the 12-year-old girls for first year female college students who have great relationships with their parents and you can apply the same principle to straw fedoras, suit jackets over vintage t-shirts and playing jangly tunes on acoustic guitars.
3) Wear v-neck t-shirts- This requires a qualifier. Women may think you’re attractive because of your v-neck t-shirt but they will also think that you are gay and/or Australian. Just thought you should all know. She either wants you to listen to her man problems and give her fashion advice (not be her man problem and be disinterested when she asks ‘what do you think of this?’ while she holds up a clothing item she just purchased) or she wants you to be a cool guy with an accent which you’re probably not (and you can’t fake it).
2) Wear denim vests or too-tight jeans- If a woman is between the ages of 26 and 31, it is more than likely that her mom owned an Eddie Bauer denim vest that looks shockingly similar to your sweet thrifted find. Actually, check the tag because it might just be somebody’s mom’s discarded Eddie Bauer denim vest. Too-tight jeans just look uncomfortable and… familiar?
1) Be slovenly and unwashed- Oh man. I know its cool to look like you don’t give a damn but hygiene is hygiene. Women want you to look like you give a damn about showering, doing your laundry, washing you hair and maybe even brushing it occasionally. No picture of this because I don’t want to single anyone out for their slovenliness.
Rebuttal = complete.